I tried to find a word to describe our relationship. But no adjective seemed to be adequate to define it, no word seemed to grasp the context of our relationship, nothing made sense.
I was listening to spoken word, I came across a poet she said how her partner hated the word “almost”
The reason he hated it was because it described how humans were so close to success but they fell short before they reached it and it occurred so many times that they came up with a word for it.
Somehow when I say that word, you are the first thought that rushes into my mind. I think about all the times we were so close to working things out but the solution was so far, like I could touch it with the tip of my fingers but couldn’t quite grab it, like I got a taste of sweetness just to have it taken away from me right before my very eyes.
We could have been friends, no. We were almost friends but the arm over my shoulder somehow moved to hands on my waist and the friendly ‘hellos’ were replaced with hot breaths on my neck. Hearts racing, lips trembling, fingers and legs intertwining we stumbled into dark territory, a place where platonic friendship was supposed to be a stranger. But we decided to make it our place of residence. So where did that leave us now? Were we together? No. We didn’t get that far. Almost.
Because I was almost enough but not quite, I almost trusted you but not really. Time went by somehow I learnt to trust you, I almost told you but it was over before I could even muster up the courage. I couldn’t deal with it, I wanted to leave. I needed to leave. I almost left. Because I almost loved you. We could have been… we should have been… we were almost something. You were almost my everything. But you almost broke me, and I almost let you. Now we’re almost nothing and I’m scared. I’m scared because even though you’re still present in my life it’s almost like I almost miss you and I’m worried that if I see you I might almost kiss you. It’s like we’re in this never ending cycle and I know that one day it’ll break but I don’t know whether it will be at a nothing, something or everything. But wherever it breaks there won’t be an ‘almost’ far from it.
No matter what happens between us wherever our destiny leads us, somehow we never seem to get out of this pattern. No matter what, we somehow are drawn back to together but fall short of each other, we reach for each other’s hands close enough to touch but too far our fingers can’t interlock.
I guess you’ll always be my almost.